INSIDE THE NEWS
by David FidelmanAIR CARGO NEWS: A woman was stopped at Munich, Germany airport after baggage control handlers found the skeleton of her brother sealed in a plastic bag in her luggage. The woman was fulfilling the dying wish of her brother — who died 11 years ago in Sao Paulo, Brazil — to be buried in Italy. Dem bones, dem bones.
THE NOSE KNOWS NEWS: A “sniff squad” of trained noses is being called in to root out landfill odors in Northampton, Mass. The city has hired specially trained stink-sniffers to help determine whether the dump is too pungent for neighboring homeowners to stand. Cornville, AZ residents are considering hiring the same people to determine once and for all whether or not Sedona's residents' poop really stinks.
TASTY TREAT NEWS: Michael Sheridan, an eighth grader in New Haven, Connecticut, was stripped of his title as class vice president, barred from attending an honors student dinner and suspended for a day after buying a bag of Skittles from a classmate. It appears now he was the victim of a sting operation instigated by a classmate to catch Sheridan purchasing illegal sweets on school grounds. No one checked to see if Sheridan was a diabetic or just had the munchies.
ANIMAL COLORING NEWS: Joy Douglas of Boulder, CO is facing a $1,000 fine for dyeing her poodle, Cici, pink. A Boulder ordinance makes it illegal to dye animals to discourage people from dyeing rabbits and chicks for Easter. Douglas has hired a lawyer to fight the charge in court. To date, dyeing eggs is still permitted, but only after they have been boiled to death.
BREW NEWS: Washington state legislators approved a pilot program that will allow beer and wine tasting in 30 grocery stores statewide in an effort to market local products. Fred and Rita Kraus, owners of Oak Creek Brewery, hailed the program as innovative.
Curmudgeon Corner . . .cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj?un), n. [origin unknown]
1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man.
2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner.
This month’s subject: DEMOCRACY & POLITICS
“Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.” Robert Byrne
“Democracy is too good to share with just anybody.” Nigel Rees
“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” George Bernard Shaw
“We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate.”
Kin Hubbard
“I do not belong to any organized political party: I'm a democrat.”
Will Rogers
“Politics is the art of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.” John Galbraith
“Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.” Frank Dane
“Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.” Nikita Khrushchev
“Politics makes estranged bedfellows.” Goodman Ace
“Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.” Lester Pearson
“Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.” Ambrose Bierce
“If you can't convince them, confuse them.” Harry S. Truman
“Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.”P. J. O'Rourke
“In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap.” Napoleon Bonaparte | 
