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TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You will discover you have an affinity for small, furry things. Due to your extreme display of affection, it would be best to start out with inanimate objects.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)
You will run into someone from your distant past. After they fully recover from their injuries and pay their hospital bills, you can try to catch up on lapsed time.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
Your pride in being a native Arizonan and outdoor enthusiast will drive you to establish the world's first javelina calling contest. "Here peccary, peccary."

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Venus and Mars are all out of alignment this month, resulting in Leo's inevitable emotional collision with chaos and periodic random acts of mindlessness.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
After long overdue physicals, your doctor will recommend your entire family start an aerobic exercise regime. You will form a virtual dodge ball team.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
You'll imagine you are being followed by the traveling gnome - that little ceramic guy on the TV ads. You'll tire of his antics and smash him to imaginary pieces.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
Friends will try to talk with you about the fourth dimension. Unfortunately, you are living in a three-dimensional world with a one-dimensional imagination.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Your congregation will assemble by the creek to experience the age old tradition of feet washing. Someone with really sharp toenails tests the faith of the wounded.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
You will spend a good part of this month trying to discover the difference between high anxiety, vertigo and tower angst. The confusion has you spinning in circles.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
You may experience a strong sense of karma - what goes around, comes around. This will keep you ducking and dodging every time you throw something.

PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
You will be beamed up into a spacecraft. They will treat you with kindness, only probing you for answers, but they'll drop you off in Mexico, sans your passport.

Dear Bumbling:
You are simply having old guy hornies for a younger chick. The fact that she is paying you any mind is explained by her being your employee. Trying thinking with your top brain and act professionally while at work and stop talking about relationships and it will all go away.

Dear Frankly:
I'm dating a woman who is very sweet, attractive, honest and sincerely interested in me. The only possible issue for me is that she is not quite on the same intellectual level that I am - but I don’t think it is fair to expect everyone to be my match in this area. For instance, when I asked her what she believes in, it took her forever and a day to answer. We've been dating exclusively for a few weeks, but now I find myself feeling she's not the one and I should break it off before it goes further. Any advice?
Not Convinced

Dear Not:
You are absolutely right. Break it off now before this terrific girl gets seriously hurt. Then, stop dating all together. Someone who admires himself as much as you do belongs with someone who won't disappoint. .