KOZMIK KORNER
BY LUSH GUMBALLQ: In quantum terms the device with which you measure a phenomenon has a direct correlation with not only your anticipation but with your result. Perhaps we have such individuated mechanisms that while not psychological in the strictest sense of measurement but with the context of relationships in our conceptual models, can provide us with unintended results, as we have attenuated our perception toward a bias that allows these interior relationships to manifest in cognition toward an sensate external manifestation, if there is something outside of our visual field that is already present in a theoretical perpetuity outside of the purview of what we term time. Are such perhaps ghosts?
A: I don't have clue what you are talking about. You must be possessed.
Q: Tucked away in a cozy corner of Big Momma’s Boy pub is Toronto’s Psychic Brunch, an event that draws a collection of clairvoyants, channels and Tarot readers who promise to empower customers through spiritual counseling. But the psychics shy away from event regulars, as it signifies to them the client is becoming dependent, something they frown upon. In an effort to repair damage to psychics’ reputations caused by phone networks these psychics are looking for a more authentic group who have a genuine interest in helping others. Do you believe they can restore psychic's reputations?
A: People are more likely to consult them after a few cosmopolitans.
Q: Britain had an extraordinary secret weapon during the Second World War - an astrologer employed to guess Adolf Hitler's moves, according to newly released files. Louis de Wohl persuaded MI5 that the Fuhrer's apparently intuitive tactical decisions were heavily influenced by his horoscope. Despite grave misgivings among some spymasters that he was a “charlatan” and fond of mumbo-jumbo, de Wohl's services were used by a variety of agencies during the war. Do you think they learned anything?
A: Maybe he guessed that Hitler wanted to rule the world.
Q: Let’s say, for the sake of argument, Larry King got his wish one day and UFOs landed on the White House lawn with the Beltway press corps on hand to record the event, but it zipped off before Klaatu could shake hands with the prez. Would the press corps finally take UFOs seriously?
A: Hey! I'm a member of the press corps and I take this crap seriously.
Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland,
Minister of Reality THE IDES OF APRIL
Now, Judy's an accountant, and
It's April once again.
Her dog and cat can't stand her, and
She's scared off all her men;
Her company's downsizing and
Her job's in jeopardy;
Her boss speaks only Indian
A Judy'd like to be
Transported to some other place—
A Caribbean isle—
Where she could guzzle rum drinks on
Some beach, and nap, and smile.
But, Judy's an accountant, and
It's April to the core:
The only place she's slept in weeks
Is on her office floor!
But Judy's an accountant, and
She knows from years gone by,
The Ides of April finally come!—
Judy doesn't die!
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