Excentric
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| That Really Bunches My Panties!
by Brendon MarksMy brother is a frequent flyer. If you fly at all you may believe that frequent fliers are a privileged class. No doubt you envy the fact that they get to board the plane right after First Class and sometimes even get upgrades to First Class. You may be thinking, "Man, I wish I were a frequent flier." As they say, be careful what you wish for.
First of all, to gain the privilege of the extra perks, he has to endure 25,000 miles of coach travel. His typical trip is about 500 miles so that means 50 flights. The occasional traveler has no idea what must be tolerated. One soon learns that the aisle seats are the best, because they offer the most room. Of course, each of your co-passengers bounces off your shoulder as they pass down the aisle. On the other hand, for the majority of the flight you only have to ignore the occasional bump of attendants as they go by; a small price to pay for being able to use an armrest.
Out of those 50 flights, you will get the aisle seat about 60% of the time. Quite often, you will be seated next to a hyperactive or ill-behaved child or an individual too large to be confined entirely within his allotted space and has no alternative other than to muffin-top over into part of yours. The remaining 40% of the time you will be crushed between two people large enough to play on the Washington Redskin's offensive line or pinned against the side of the aircraft by an overly friendly, infrequent flier with killer breath and an uncontrollable urge to talk to someone.
On those occasions where you don't have that ill-behaved child in the seat beside you, there is still an excellent possibility that you will have one in front of you or behind, constantly kicking the back of your seat.
My brother has a theory about this. He believes the airlines have young mothers with colicky kids on standby. If a flight does not have at least one uncontrollable child on board, the airlines pick a pair from this standby group to accompany the hapless travelers in coach. This ensures that everyone in coach is within earshot of a screaming child who has learned that mothers do not beat their children in public regardless of the transgression. All this is intended to make First Class that much more attractive.
Okay, so now you’ve paid your dues and are one of the elite. You are now ready to board the plane right after the First Class folks. What’s the advantage to that? Well, the whole idea is to be first to stow your carry-on luggage. After you have flown a few times you realize that many people will ignore the "two carry-on pieces that must fit in the overhead compartment or under the seat in front of you" rule. This is usually interpreted as whatever you can get away with and can force into either space.
However, no one wants that second bag in front of their feet, so both barely legal items are forced overhead. Invariably, when you attempt to put your modestly sized carry-on in your overhead compartment, there is no room. By boarding early, you have the first opportunity to disregard the comfort of your fellow passengers and grab the limited space available.
Because there is no free lunch, here is the first “catch” to this frequent flier advantage: Frequent fliers earn coupons that can be used to stand-by for an upgrade to First Class, but you must wait to see if there is space available in First Class. Therefore, instead of being one of the first to board, you are near the last. If the First Class cabin is full, you still have to sit in coach and by the time you get on board, the only space available for your carry-on is under the seat in front of you.
Even the best scenario, where you actually obtain a seat in First Class, has two drawbacks. First, you're still one of the last to board. The overhead compartments of First Class are just as full. Your bag still goes under the seat in front of you. Secondly, having a seat that is actually big enough for a normal sized person spoils you. On your next flight you are destined to go back to coach where those ill-behaved children and armrest thieves with halitosis are waiting.
It's no different than it was, except now you know how it could be…if only you had another upgrade coupon.
Just where exactly did this go wrong?
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